- Identify what made the essay strong (include quotes where relevant).
- Identify what made the essay weak (include quotes where relevant).
- Is there anything you could use or imitate from either model?
- Is there anything that you have a question about--for instance, did either writer appear to break a rule or make a choice you would have thought was a mistake?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Personal/College Models
After reading one professional model and one student model from either Chapter 11 or 12...
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"The Question" by:Julia Kraus
1.The strong parts of the essay was the quick witty short sentences.
EX. "I don't mind questions, usually."
2.The weak parts of the essay was the same thing that made it strong, the quick sentences mad it look childish and have no structure.
Ex. "I think."
3.There was somewhat of a comedy aspect to this essay. Even the title sounds commedic.
4.Is it a wise idea to do short one lined sentences?
-Ralph De Masi
In Ch 11.2 the strong parts in the essay was pargraph 1 and 3 because it express why Alex wants to get in so badly. The weak part was the second pargraph because it has less deatails in it. I could use Alex's paragraph writting theory because it's in a pesuave way. the question for this is why is the second pargraph short?
In the speach ch12.4 It was strong like a i thank you speach and it is all good. Nothing is weak about it. I could use the format of this essayin my own thank you speach but in only 4 pargraphs. and why dies he say his work is in agony?
I chose '"No Messages on This Sever," and Other Lessons of Our Time.' The strong part of the essay is the author describes everything very well. She goes into detail about everything and does a very good job doing so. The weak part of the essay is that she has short chopped sentences. They seem like they should be put together to make a longer better sentence. I could use or imitate her style, which is going into detail about everything.
"No messages on this server,"
and other lessons of our time."
by verlyn klinkenborg
The strong parts of the essay is when the author is describing her addiction to e-mail in the paragraphs. also the vocabulary that she uses in the essay are good as well.
she made some grammar and speeling mistakes this made the essay weak. she could have chose other words to use and used commas in her sentences instead of using the word or.
I could use strong vocabulary like she did in her essay. also how she set up set up the paragraphs in her essay.
By Alyssa Weber!!!
"No messages on this server,"
and other lessons of our time."
by verlyn klinkenborg
The strong parts of the essay is when the author is describing her addiction to e-mail in the paragraphs. also the vocabulary that she uses in the essay are good as well.
she made some grammar and speeling mistakes this made the essay weak. she could have chose other words to use and used commas in her sentences instead of using the word or.
I could use strong vocabulary like she did in her essay. also how she set up set up the paragraphs in her essay.
By Alyssa Weber!!!
1) -Student Model 11.3: Sara Gardner compared what was happening to her at the time of Mark's life changing call. This made her essay very well written and ineresting.
-Professional Model 12.3: Kasongo keeps you questioning. She never completley reveals the whole story till the end. This kept me guessing and wanting to read more.
2) -Student Model 11.3: What made this essay weak was that not all can completly understand the musical terms she incorperates into her story. "A staccato beat sounded the other line, signaling Mark trying to call me."
-Professional Model 12.3: The same thing that made this essay stong also made it somewhat weak. At some points you aren't quite sure where exactly she is trying to go with the story.
3) I would like to try and imitate the creativeness of the student model and the flow of her essay.
4) I felt both essay's were on toucher subjects, but I do think that they were both written with class and with respect for the topic.
1. I have been called a Luddite- The amount of detail and visual things that I got from the essay was incredible.
Personal Geography- I loved the connection she made to geography to almost humanitarian.
2. I thought the professional got a little off hand at some parts and had too much detail at some points.
I thought the students had me yawning at some parts.
3.I could tell a story or make a connection both of the writers used in their essays.
4. I have a question of why was some of the professionals sentences were at time extremely short and at other time they seem to run-on and drag it out?
I felt in the art of applaying's strength and weakness was using a lot of humor in it. It can be a strength because it can keep the reader entertained, but if used improperly, the reader may not be able to take it seriously. I personally would like to use humor in my writing, what I don't kinow however, is what type of writing would be the best for it.
I chose the essay "Silhouettes". 1.
1.The part of this essay that was the strongest is the middle part of the essay. She is very detailed and very discriptive.
2. The weak part of this essay was that in the first paragraph there was really no thesis statement.
3. I could use pictures to help me write.
4. She didn't really do anything to "break the rules" but the thesis was in the last paragraph which was wierd becuase i was taught to put it in the first paragraph.
In "My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish" by Mana Lumumba-Kasongo the Doctor gets judged. It shows how diffrent races get judged. How that is bad.
The story really is not revailed till the end.
I read "Life Sonata in E Minor" by Sara Gardner.
1. The strongest part about the essay was when she used the piano as a metaphor for what was happening in the situation with her friend. EX: "He told me about his day, and then came the silence. It was long, drawn out silence with fermata on top. Intensity rose as the note remained constant.
"No messages on this Server" by Verlyn Klinkenborg
1. The strongest part of this essay was the emotion he put in hiss essay. You can tell that he is not happy. EX: "I don't gamble on the internet nor do I game on it (or on any other electronic device). And yet I'm starting to twitch."
2."Life Sonata in E Minor" What made this essay weak was in the fourth paragraph she used "he" a lot. EX: His counselor left for the day, along with everyone else. His parents were fighting at home and he got in an argument with one of his best friends. He admitted to going back to his old habits of drug, sex, and alcohol."
"No Messages on This Server" What made this essay weak was probably comparing how technology is now to how it was before because I bet the majority of kids didn't know what it was like before so they might not understand. EX: "Going online was like driving a Stanley Steamer-better for scaring horses and wowing the youth than for long-distance hauling."
3. I would like to imitate using a metaphor like Sara Gardner did in "Life Sonata in E Minor."
4. In "No Messages on This Server" he starts off most of his sentences with I, and that was something I thought we were never supposed to do.
I chose "The Art of Applying..." and "My Black Skin..."
1. The strengths of the piece were in her use of satire in regards to applying to college. She used a lot of what colleges say to prospective students.
The strengths of the piece are in her use of detail and the way she almost tells a story.
2. The weaknesses are that she made things a bit wordy at times.
The weaknesses were that she was a bit vague at times.
3. I would like to use the humurous approach she did in a piece of writing.
I would like to be able to write creatively like her.
1. The author of "Personal Geography" did a nice job of getting to the point instead of losing track of the theme and confusing readers. I liked this hook sentence:"Geography has long been a keen interest of mine." It shows right away how geography has affected him personally.
2. I thought that "Silhouettes" was hard to follow, especially in the beginning, and this is one of the weak points that this essay had.
3. Yes, having a clear yet effective hook sentence is something I could use from "Personal Geography".
4. I don't understand why the author of "Personal Geography" italicized "National Geographic Bee".
1) In the essay “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” the author put a lot of feeling an emotion into what she was saying and you could feel the pain she had every time someone didn’t understand that she was and African American doctor. It must have been hard always being questioned where the doctor was when she herself was the doctor. But in the essay “Personal Geography” what made the essay strong was how the author wrote about something not too many would talk about. He talked about how he loved a subject at school so if a college was to read this then it would allow them to understand that that student wants to be accepted to that university so he can continue expanding his knowledge on geography since he loves it so much.
2) “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” was very good and in my opinion did not have weak points because it was an opinion about how she was treated and how it made her feel and when she was explaining I was trying to picture myself in her shoes so I did not have any complaints about her essay. For “Personal Geography” I overall did not enjoy the essay because I think that the subject was boring and that if a college was to read that then they would not even understand why they should accept him since all he did was write about a school subject.
3) For my essay I am going to write from a personal hard experience that I went through in my life, like in the essay “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” where she wrote about an experience that was hard for her that she had to go through every time she saw a new patient.
4) Why does the author of “Personal Geography” choose to put their thesis in the last paragraph?
I read silhouettes I thought it was good because I liked how it lead to showing how her family sculpted her into who she is.
I didn't like how it had a directed point.
I could use the way she lead the story with the details and ending with something that was important to her.
I chose the essay "Silhouettes" by Katherine Berger.
1.The thing that made this essay truly strong was her passion of finding out more about her great-grandmothers.
2. I thought that the one weak thing about this essay is that I was not clear what she wanted to do in college or how her ancestors make her want to choose the career.
3.I think that when I write my essay, I can use her happy way of writing, rather than make it really sad and depressing.
4.It did not seem to me like she made a mistake. I thought the essay was written well and very thought out.
The noble prize model was extremely boring and it was not captivating to any reader. It was however very knowledgable. I wouldn't use this for my writing because it looses the readers attention.
i read the student model Silhouettes and the parts that were wtrong in her essay were where she connected something that happened in her grandparents lives with a physical atribute.
I think that she could have made her conculsion alot better.
i could imitate the way that she describes how her grandparents are and how that affected her.
i dont have a question about the models
I choose "The Question" by Julia Kraus.
1) What made the essay strong was the writer's use of explaing some of her foster siblings lives. For example when she said "There's the reatrded teenage mother who doesn't know who her daughter's father is. The young woman's stepfather swears up and down that it cant be him because he's had a vasectomy. Not because he;s never had sex with his stepdaughter."
2) What made the essay weak may have been the way she just talked about her discomfort to "the question" and then going on about talking about at n experience she had at a sleepover.
3) I really liked the writers style of writing.
4) The only thing i may not have done was the same as i said in question 2. Where in the beginning she started out just explaing "the question" and her discomfort to it. But then she ended her esssay by putting up the argument that she was not naive.
I choose "The Question" by Julia Kraus.
1) What made the essay strong was the writer's use of explaing some of her foster siblings lives. For example when she said "There's the reatrded teenage mother who doesn't know who her daughter's father is. The young woman's stepfather swears up and down that it cant be him because he's had a vasectomy. Not because he;s never had sex with his stepdaughter."
2) What made the essay weak may have been the way she just talked about her discomfort to "the question" and then going on about talking about at n experience she had at a sleepover.
3) I really liked the writers style of writing.
4) The only thing i may not have done was the same as i said in question 2. Where in the beginning she started out just explaing "the question" and her discomfort to it. But then she ended her esssay by putting up the argument that she was not naive.
I choose "The Question" by Julia Kraus.
1) What made the essay strong was the writer's use of explaing some of her foster siblings lives. For example when she said "There's the reatrded teenage mother who doesn't know who her daughter's father is. The young woman's stepfather swears up and down that it cant be him because he's had a vasectomy. Not because he;s never had sex with his stepdaughter."
2) What made the essay weak may have been the way she just talked about her discomfort to "the question" and then going on about talking about at n experience she had at a sleepover.
3) I really liked the writers style of writing.
4) The only thing i may not have done was the same as i said in question 2. Where in the beginning she started out just explaing "the question" and her discomfort to it. But then she ended her esssay by putting up the argument that she was not naive.
I read "Silhouette" and I thought the descriptive part of the essay was good because I could very easily picture some of the things she talked about. However, the essay kind of jumped around and could make the essay really confusing at times which I did not like. From this essay I could use more description in my essay and make sure that my essay is organized and makes sense before I starte writing.
1)I Read “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” in this, the author was very emotional with what she was saying and you almost felt the pain she did every time someone didn’t understand that she was an African American doctor. It was probably difficult always being asked where the doctor was when she was actually the doctor. But in the essay “Personal Geography” what made the essay strong was how the author wrote about something not too many would talk about. He talked about how he loved a subject at school so if a college was to read this then it would allow them to understand that that student wants to be accepted to that university so he can continue expanding his knowledge on geography since he loves it so much.
2) “My Black Skin Makes My White Coat Vanish” was very good and in my opinion did not have a weak point.I feel this because it was an opinion about how she was treated and how it made her feel and when she was explaining I was trying to picture myself in her shoes so I did not have any complaints about her essay. For “Personal Geography” I overall did not enjoy the essay because I think that the subject was boring and that if a college was to read that then they would not even understand why they should accept him since all he did was write about a school subject.
"Life in Sonata in E Minor"
1. "Tough love is a difficult lesson I would rather avoid learning, but sometimes in life we are forced to do things we don't want to do." She was very thoughtful throughout this whole essay. She used good describing words and explained the lesson learned and what she did to accomplish it.
2. She needs to switch up her word variation in a few paragraphs.
3. I like how she introduced the piano and then went in to talk about how her friend called her in a time of need. And I could use this sequencing technique.
4. Are we allowed to use I, in a personal essay when telling a story?
1. In the student model "Silhouettes" I really enjoyed how the author described each of her great-grandmothers. I could clearly visualize them in my mind. She seemed to really be gaining a lot from a simple picture.
2. I could not find much that I personally found weak within the essay.However, when she explains the picture of Adella I want to know more about this picture. She simply states, " ...her story is told through the confident poise with which she wears her plumed hat, and thje secret held within the eyes that peer out beneath the brim."
3. I would like to imitate the way the student model hooks the readers in with a creative opening.
4. In the professional model" No messages on this Server and other lessons of ouyr time" I don't really like why this author is complaining so much, is this a good way to put your ideas out there.
I read "The Question" by Julia Kraus
1) This essay was extremely well prepared, and was very moving but powerful at the same time. I felt hooked right at the openig line, even at the title I was asking questions. I felt like her most powerful line was "Foster care is so hard to explain." It not only explained where she was coming from, but also set up a structure for the remained of he essay.
2) I felt as though she was speaking in a conversation that we as the reader couldn't see, sometimes I felt as if that a question was asked that we couldn't see and hen she was responding to all these questions one after one without us seein he questions, it was a bit distracting.
3) I would love to use her use of questions in a future essay of mine, and also he method of telling her pas in hoppy bits and pieces, not exactly flowing but still makIng it a good read. I loved how each paragraph left you wanting to read more, even though they didnt lead into eachother
4) one thIng that really stood up to me was the fact that she used so many fragments. Any English teacher or word processor was probably screaming FRAGMENT, however I think she placed them appropriately.
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